Death. Dying. End of Life. Conversation.
-
Joy Krauthammer 8.25.2018
Dying
topic is good to think about because this is Elul, time for Cheshbon HaNefesh.
How can I be better?
Be
present more fully when visiting another soul, and having the courage to face
death, reality, to make the process somehow more comfortable, more connecting, healing between
people-- if desired by the dying or the visitor, and if possible.
I have
suffered much in the process, especially when a best friend wanted total
privacy/isolation and not a visit even with most beloved best friends. I have
needed to understand better the dying one and their needs.
I have
acted in denial of dying, and I continue to repent for that.
G*d
keeps giving me more experiences to be better.
I share MY THOUGHTS on being asked by friend* about visiting the
dying,
and also share Psalms of My Soul for:
Omer day 22 (April 2018)
Kabbalistic Sephirat HaOmer CHESED sh b'NETZACH
*Friend wrote for my thoughts on what rabbi asked a
group:
1 - What makes you smile?
2 - What are you most proud of?
3 - What is your biggest regret?
4 - What impact has your life
had?
~ ~ ~
MY REALITY
Visiting the sick/bikur cholim is part of my emuna/faith, my Judaism. I remove 1/60th of illness.
"Harvest the wisdom of
our life experience to enrich the present moment." - Aleph.
(I teach this in my Simchat Chochmah - Joy of
Wisdom workshops.)
Body dies, but soul, neshamah is
immortal.
Before walking into room to visit ill person, empty self. Breathe in and out.
Breathe in freshness, trees, bare feet on green grass.
In visiting a friend approaching
death, and I am aware that death is
coming, hopefully it is at first when the friend is still aware and conscious
and can talk and respond, and not on morphine or oxygen when it is too late for
a conversation.
Talk to person. Even if person
appears not conscious or sleeping, person's SOUL can HEAR.
Ask permission to hold hand. To give a kiss, a hug. Show
affection.
Share a photo, a memento.
Gaze into eyes silently
Bring a flower only if OK.
Bring flower close and touch to skin.
A little lotion and
massage for pleasure. Maybe they can blow Bubbles. Play a Singing Bowl.
When death has been near, I
offer to say Vidui, and even as person has died.
SHARE healing conversations
even after death:
Offer Forgiveness. Compassion.
Gratitude. Love.
Offer forgiveness, even in
general, not knowingly. Ask for forgiveness.
I learned to speak and to listen
to deceased from Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, z'l in 2007.
From that
retreat I created a "Portable
Pocket Yahrzeit & Yiskor Memory Flame" card, and I give card to
mourners. I'm almost out of the 500
2-sided art cards.
Similar to my Memory Flame card, these basic "5 Conversations" were
shared by cantor and chaplain Sue Knight Deutsch in her HUC
Kalsman workshop I attended days after my dear friend Edith, obm died.
Thank you. I love you.
Forgive me.
I Forgive you.
Goodbye.
(What I got out of workshop is
that others feel as I do: 'not
prepared'.)
The irony is that it is good not to be prepared, but to be present.
BE PRESENT
Be present at the end of life
for my dear friends. How can I be better for them? How can I contribute
wholeheartedly to loved ones in the face of death? To help ease their journey
of their soul.
I have learned NOT to have an
agenda, thus to be open to receiving.
From my earlier and similar writing:
Giving Comfort to the dying includes:
Preparing self with a smile, not a sad face.
Sharing Love with words and action (I love you), active Listening, Appreciation and Gratitude (thank you), Forgiveness (I forgive you, forgive me) and Vidui, compassion, silence, memories, hope, and sharing that their life had meaning, and the difference that a person had made to me, and in the world, and holding hands, gazing into eyes, empathy, maybe sympathy, connection, and saying Goodbye (closure) are good thoughts to share with the dying.
Emptying oneself to be wholly present before entering the loved one's sacred space is holy.
Actions include giving permission to the dying to die and to 'Let Go, Let G*d', and to go to the loved ones seen in the “light”.
Understanding of Palliative Care.
Honoring person's spiritual beliefs.
Show compassion.
Show empathy. Being with,
connected. Open to other.
I’m here for you. Put yourself
in other’s shoes.
Something person wants to do at
this moment and with me.
Offer to fill need where I can
help.
ASK: Can I help you in any way?
If drink is OK, does person want
drink?
Ask: Does pillow need fixing? Bed
position changed. Sheets straightened? Replaced? Ask aide.
Our loving actions bring forth healing.
Ask self and other: What can I
do to bring about healing at this stage, end of life?
Ask what person would like to
talk about.
Virtues of our friendship.
Ask questions:
How has our friendship made a
difference in our lives?
Where you are remembered. (Not
only mourned as loss.)
Ask each other about the LOVE
you have shared, in what ways?
How CONNECTED? What
moments? How did we meet? Memories.
Do you feel good about your
life? What you’ve done? accomplished. Legacy?
Ask person what they would like
to have said about them when they are gone---that is asking "What has been
the essence of this life? Mitzvot.
Passions.
What would they want their grave marker to read.
"Asked at Heaven's gate as was Reb Zuscha in his dream: "Were you Reb Zuscha?" meaning
Were you YOURSELF? Not, were you
Abraham, Moshe or Miriam?
Who do you want to see again on the other side to greet you on your
birthday in Heaven?
If present during person's transition,
give permission to "let
go" and "go to the light".
Shared with love so that our Chesed / loving-kindness actions and compassion help bring healing,
Joy Krauthammer
PS
Visiting the dying is part of my spiritual eldering.
SPIRITUAL ELDERING** currently from Aleph sounds like "Simchat Chochmah - Joy of Wisdom", my workshop teachings developed in the 1980's by my mentor Savina Teubal, z"l. Savina blessed me to go forward with her turning 60 years of age ritual teachings.
**"This new vision of growing older empowers us to:
• Harvest the wisdom of our life experience to enrich the present moment.
• Face our mortality and learn from it.
• Mature in our relationships and in our communities.
• Develop a regenerative spirit.
Take active leadership roles in society."
My Bio
My Non-Profit UJ/AJU MBA in
Long Term Care.
Licensed Medical Social Worker in
NY hospital and Home Care.
Created "Valley Death
Cafe", member of International discussion gathering on End of Life.
I have deeply mourned.
Bikur Cholim/visit the sick.
Wrote /share unpublished
booklet on "Strategic Planning for Caregiver".
Teach wise eldering Baby Boomer
workshop "Simchat Chochmah - Joy of
Wisdom".
Have studied "Age-ing to
Sage-ing" at Aleph's Kallah.
Studied with "Compassion In
Action", Twilight Brigade.
Angel Warrior Caregiver.
Studied Tahara with Chevra
Kadisha.
Served as Chevra Kadisha Shomer
for deceased.
Officiated at funerals and
unveilings.
Spiritual guide for those
in need of rituals and answers.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Omer day 22
Endurance / determination
another
Psalms of My Soul © Joy Krauthammer
Kabbalistic Sephirat HaOmer ספירת
העומר
CHESED sh b'NETZACH - day 22
Caring and Loving Kindness Within the Final Journey
Counting Omer 3 weeks and 1 day
of 7 weeks
Living in the crack of life,
struggle to endure.
During this Omer day 22, Chesed
sh b’Netzach, I am registered for a half day workshop in being present for the
dying. As if I don’t have enough experience in this topic, but I feel
that I need support so that I can be a better
more understanding present friend. In last couple years, less than
that, I lost at least 17 beloved friends, one at a time, including a sister,
z"l months ago, and a few cousins, z"l.
Lost more loved ones than that
in the preceding years.
Two weeks ago I found it a
challenge, or maybe I’m exaggerating, to be with a dying dear friend, obm. It was not private time for me as family was always
in and out of the room with their mother, my friend on hospice in hospital bed.
I needed to honor the needs of friend’s family and move in and away both to
give others their time.
They all said I was the “best
friend”. Edith was my best friend. Edith called me her BFF.
I wish I could have had
meaningful conversation even at the end, and been supportive more to my friend.
The truth is that I’ve been supportive to her for many years, just as she was
supportive and loving to me. Could
I have said anything that could have helped my friend in her final journey on
earth? (I did come when she requested my presence with the visiting music healer.) Prior to my friend being on morphine and not responsive, I did not
know that this was the end.
My friend was so much stronger
with an implanted pace maker two months earlier.
My reality is that I am in
mourning again, with a loss of a best friend, and just feeling that maybe there
was more I could have been for her, while
holding a hand, stroking her forehead, and kissing her good bye.
The week before death a hospice
music therapist was visiting and dear Edith asked me to come by for the
appointment. The therapist with guitar, Jerwin, asked me about the love shared and I expressed out loud
some of the ways Edith and I had connected, and how grateful I was for the
love. I had no idea at the time that this would be the last of our discussions.
Speaking became too difficult along with breathing for Edith. I did not know that Edith was on hospice.
Family had neglected to tell me that a couple months earlier, discharged from
hospital with pacemaker and a hospital bed, that Edith was now on hospice.
Thus, this Omer day 22 CHESED sh b'NETZACH represents for me my
Loving kindness and compassion in determination to be present at the end of
life for my dear friends. How can I be better for them? How can I contribute
wholeheartedly to loved ones in the face of death? How to help ease their journey
of their soul?
I have written loving
notes to family in the days after death, extolling virtues of our friendship
and hugs.
Couple decades ago I studied
with a group called Compassion in Action, AKA the Twilight Brigade. The
weeks of driving into LA were to learn to be present for the dying. Between
that and all my experience with loved ones dying I still feel to be ‘not
enough’ and yet, this journey is not about me. I try to walk into the hospice
room empty, and just be present. That can be in silence.
In the last days of my friend
Edith’s, obm life, she could not speak, she was in a morphine comatose state,
so there was no conversation. But that did not stop me from telling my
friend what she already knew, that I
love her, and so did my family. I put my phone to her ear so she could hear
my daughter’s voice. My daughter at age 40 has lots of experience saying goodbye. I know Edith's soul heard me, and my soul is feeling it deeply as I
write. During day 22, it is the memorial for my friend, and I will be sharing
many hugs with her large family, for the last time. They do know I loved their
mom, their granny.
I see single flowers growing in
cracks in cement, and I see the perseverance needed to live. My 95 year old
friend knew her time had come. She had out lived all her peers, she told me
years ago. I would have liked to somehow be supportive to her, more than I was,
but maybe I was all for her with nothing left unsaid nor undone. Every year on
my Elul month preceding Rosh HaShana, Edith reminded me of my Jewish faith
ritual, Cheshbon HaNefesh, to ask if forgiveness was needed. Edith always said "none needed". I
always came up with something I had done, like arriving late.
I’m going to the workshop on
'the dying' in a few hours, just in case there is anything I can learn and be
conscious about when I say goodbye to my loved ones.
I wonder, did any of
Edith’s family speak to her about death, her death. Or were these words
unspoken? Edith made it sound like she "never interfered" with
family. Didn't tell them what she
thought and gave no advice. In the last couple years, she's taken that out on me! With her kids my age,
she told me she thought of me as her child. I loved my Edith.
~ ~ ~
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