SOLO SEDERS ~ PESACH

SOLO  SEDERS ~ PESACH 2007

by JOY Krauthammer

  "Have the strongest sense of passing through a passage, like a broad tunnel, and have no idea what's on the other side", writes my friend following Seder, and I respond with the telling of the relevance of my SOLO SEDERS.

Isn't the Pesach Seder the re-enactment of the 'tunnel' to freedom?, I ask. Mitzrayim is a narrow place, and G*d opened tunnels in the Yahm Suf waters for the Israelites to cross to freedom. 

(G*d's miracle of the split Red Sea is a favorite biblical scene for me because on the other side, Miriyahm Ha Neviah led the women in song and dance. Exodus 15:20)

What I learned in grieving group (was only me who had "lost" a spouse, a weekly video--GriefShare with a workbook for 13 weeks, in a Christian church conveniently nearby in the dark of night, when I felt extremely vulnerable, exactly a year ago, led by a compassionate religious facilitator) is that THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!

Emes / TRUE. I had to go through and process the emotional passage and get out to find out.  Following GriefShare I did transformative healing rituals in mikveh, and stated affirmations at Torah, and took steps forward... in reclaiming myself, my joy / Lechi Lach. Baruch Hashem, I am still healing. There was no local synagogue grieving support group. I loved all the verbalized G*d consciousness in the church group (that I don't usually hear in synagogues) and that "G*d LOVES me!"

How sensitive to actually feel the "passing through the passage"; To know this is a ride through life. I don't usually stop to think about that, except for when I am concerned that maybe reaching 60 on June 5th, and looking forward to my Simchat Chochmah celebration at Torah, my life does not have so many years ahead, if I even live without it, B'ezrat Hashem / G*d willing, being shortened by any other issue, Keneinahara.

"No idea what's on the other side", my friend wrote. But you can attract what you want, and imagine, visualize, affirm, act on it, and with Emuna/faith--like Nachshon did walking into the Yahm Suf, and voila, Manifestation. The "secret" to getting what you want or need. Shoot an arrow to its target and follow it, guided my Jerusalem teacher, Collete, z'l and her disciple, Eve.

"How is this night different" from all former seders? It was a SOLO SEDER. 

Last night I did not go to the 2nd night Seder. Founder of Jewish Worldwide Watch invited me and 60 others. Was really looking forward to the experience, sitting on the floor, talking about Darfur, and meeting the special people who would be there. But still not quite over what ever has been fevering and congesting me, so protected others in Chesed /lovingness and in Gevurah /limiting myself, stayed HOME ALONE.

In joy, I challenged myself, and again made my private, intimate solo seder as I had done the night before when I used The Ma'yan Passover Haggadah, The Journey Continues, edited by my first visionary feminist rabbi, Sue Levi Elwell.  Feeling 'under the weather' it was comforting to take off from my Pesach book case top shelf a recently familiar Haggadah. The week before I had participated as percussionist, at a shul's feminist pre-Pesach seder. Preparing weeks ago for a dear friend's Seder (former Judaic director at my daughter's day school), I had voraciously reread many of my favorite saved Passover teachings. I had eagerly dusted off my treasured collection of Haggadahs. With sentimentality, I reviewed the Haggadah I had organized with a committee in 1981, 26 years ago, for the North Valley Jewish Community Center. It felt good to me to once again see the cover which is my art. The Hebrew cover had been a challenge and delight. I tenderly opened my husband's 1959 Bar Mitzvah gift, the famous blue velvet art Arthur Szyk Haggadah. For years, my own favorite Pesach preparation has been the 1991 Santa Cruz Haggadah: a Passover Haggadah, and Journal for the Evolving Consciousness by Karen Roekard.

This time I used a different feminist Haggadah created by my Lev Eisha women's minyan, and also the Kabbalistic Chasidic Breslov Haggadah which I've owned for years and never opened. (My local House of David book store owner said to me, "Joy, THIS one is for you!") That was a challenge to get from one page to the next because of the strange multiple formatting which made no sense to me.* (Maybe if I had read the introduction...)

I saved a lot for "next time." My husband, Marcel z'l, of blessed memory, always used to positively say that about missed activities. The night before the first seder I had dreamt that he, his mom, Aviva, and I were together, as we had been, at a crowded Pesach hotel. (In 1994 we had shared a crowded with chevre Pesach table with Reb Shlomo Carlebach, z”l, and his family.) The dream was comforting.

My chometz had been cleared away and sold. For seder I made Pesachdicheh chicken and salad.  Earlier I had delicious matzoh ball soup that a sweet friend had graciously dropped off knowing I was ill. Purposefully, not taking much time for meal preparation or eating, left me more awake time for mystical and meaningful Haggadahs and I alone was responsible for the journey. I knew while reading them, they were relevant and made a difference to me. Last night I journeyed with "pesach, matzoh and moror"...

I loved being outside in my serene garden again, like the first night, with the fresh fragrance of orange blossoms and seeing the fruit hanging on the trees, and sounds of nature--birds, crickets, rustling leaves... and the biggest aura filled rising bright full moon.  With nature, it was only me in the garden. I envisioned that I was in the Wilderness.

Computer turned off, Yom Tov candles lit, completed Seder plate (square copper hammered, a gift decades ago from my father, z'l, and hanging on my wall), matzoh on the decoupaged matzoh plate I had created three years ago, salt water, Kedem Concord grape juice--4 cups (in my very own ceramic Kiddush cup--a gift to me for performing recently at a Rosh Chodesh), Cup /Kos Miriyahm (I had joyously created), and Cup of Elijah, and Haggadahs, I felt joy (like an inner smile) welling from deep inside of me and spreading across my face--I was doing seder. Finally, couple hours later at night, I went inside, wanting to read and learn more, not quite tired, but feeling vulnerable because I was afraid of sitting alone at night in my own back yard. (A plague in our current era.) Fear--sad to have that feeling. I locked up and continued inside to read more Chassidic stories, although my Seder was completed outside.

I felt happy joy as I prepared, and with each of the Seder's 15 steps, which I got to repeat sometimes using simultaneously two very different Haggadahs, not easy to read/follow like childhood Maxwell House give-away Haggadahs. Breslov is total tight text, and Feminist is filled with joyous art and song. I enjoyed reclining to the left on my own self hand-made Yam Suf / Red Sea timbrel painted Miriyahm pillow. As the words I painted on my Pesach pillowcase say, " Vehayinu Kulanu Sham"/ And we were ALL there, including the women! This is also the name of the Haggadah from the American Jewish Congress Feminist Center which I participated in for all its years, in the early 1990's. I loved soulfully knowing the songs written by Debbie Friedman, our most renowned American Jewish female and feminist singer, and alone, I could read the meaning into each of the words singing them to myself. Debbie is extraordinary and has given us so much Ruach / spirit in song. I have known Debbie for two decades, and as percussionist, it is a challenge for me to accompany her live and a delight to dance in ecstasy as Miriyahm HaNeviah with timbrels in hand.

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Just for the record, I did not have a real shank bone, nor a substitute bloody beet. I drew a Pesach bone with red color and held it up high as G*d's outstretched hand passed over the blood painted houses, saving our People. Just as Batyah's outstretched arm drew in baby Moses with Miriyahm nearby at the river’s edge; All miracles of Hashem's hand. I felt the loving energy of the Divine One. I looked at the torn-paper art work I had created of the Exodus, hanging framed on my wall, done in a Sarah's Tent workshop (shortly after my dad had died and the very day a Metivta meditation friend, Barbara,z”l, had "passed over.") 

The personal miracle for me in my NOT going elsewhere on the first night with beloved, learned, loyal Orthodox friends where I had a part to share about the ARI's Kabbalistic meaning of the Sephirotic arrangement on the Seder plate (which I had just relearned at Chabad), or going to the received invitation to another's 2nd night seder filled with people consciously politically involved, socially, spiritually, musically, where I would have been participating with strangers, and being led-- the MIRACLE is that I got to go where I wanted to go: where I needed to personally, soulfully, feministically, mystically, and traditionally ritually go, and took it in deeply, without fatigue, not wondering, "When will it end?" I did not have to keep up with other's Hebrew (or Aramaic) reading out loud while I read English commentary from a few exciting Haggadahs open on my lap, which I love doing. I loved being able to say Bruchas in gender-free language as well as traditional blessings. It is a tribute to my teachers and my neshamah /soul. No one contested my feminist ORANGE on the seder plate! (Took it fresh off my tree.) or my reclaiming women's voice Miriyahm ritual Kos.  I did miss playing with (as I do each year) my own little amusing plague jumping rubber frogs. I did not take time for whimsy. Next time. Couple years ago, I loved experientially expressing the biblical and contemporary plagues with my Sarah's Tent Seder. I offered up my “Scream” life-size blow up doll for a bissel dramatic effect.

I enjoyed going into my kitchen to ritually wash my hands with a purple plastic washing cup I had decorated with real purple feathers, metallic Mogen Dovids, and silver sparkles all glued down with the blesSings in both languages and transliteration, Baruch Ata Yah, Eloheinu  Ruach HaOlam... My Jerusalem embossed  Netilat Yadaim copper two handled water cup and towel filled with Israeli memories hang nearby.

I chanted in Hebrew "Mah Nishtanah...", the Four Questions, and asked myself social consciousness and feminist questions.  I understood better the Four "Sons"--'Children'-- (each, partial attributes of my personality), from Pesach learning in prior weeks and rereading my own Sarah's Tent Seder presentation on "Four Adults" from last year. I had studied them a few days ago along with the complete lengthy Pesach Seder on Chabad's cyber Seder Wizard. I have just enjoyably gone through FOUR Seders!  

Instead of opening a door into darkness to welcome Elijah, I opened wide my arms to G*d's glorious full moon-lit world of tall trees and vast Valley expanse seen from my hillside home. For dessert, I did miss another friend's home made, Pesachdicheh thick dark chocolate covered nuts and huge red lush fresh strawberries, and my inclusion as "family". This year I did not receive her invitation, as I had for the prior two years when life was difficult, pre and post my husband’s z”l, death. I am grateful for the invites I did receive and regret that I could not attend. My dessert was the simple unpuffed, ego-less, a child’s delight, plain broken afikomen, matzoh--Judaism's symbol of escape from slavery to freedom.

Kabbalistically, I counted the Sephirat HaOmer, and had prepared and printed out a current Omer calendar for myself (and shared/sent the Web link to others). In class with Chabad for the last two months, I reviewed the Sephirot as character building tools, preparing myself for Omer counting. I must have shown Chesed she b'Chesed  / lovingness in lovingness to myself in doing seder the way I best could, as a free woman, one recovering from painful surgery days earlier, a broken immune system, and then the last few days, having feverish uncomfortable sinus infection.

I am experiencing in my own life, the drama of redemption, of going out of Mitzrayim. I had to free myself from external and internal constraints. I felt the love and support from the Compassionate One, and my family and friends. Being outside in nature--like in a desert open flapped tent, not inside a building with 'hustle and bustle', made a big difference in feeling the flow of G*d's love. The garden is where I greet G*d, where The Holy One is revealed to me in beauty and color and glorious forms and fragrance and sweet sounds. This was the first time in my 60 years of life that I was physically ALONE for Pesach Seder. I am usually alone when I greet G*d.

'Herstorically,' my second 'Orthodox' Seder was with Marcel at his parent's Montreal, Canada home in 1971, the year and a few months after we met. With struggle, since I did not know Hebrew (although I tried teaching myself as an 11 year old from 1958 New York Post Learn-A-Language Record Course four albums I had purchased), I had memorized the Four Questions. While waiting for the plane to depart from NY, in Mitzrayim /a very inner anxious state, I vomited in the airport ladies' room anticipating being with my future in-laws. Marcel was proud of my Seder recitation. The previous year's Pesach, Marcel needed surgery, and Pesach for us at his parents Long Island, N.Y. home, only four months after we began dating, was abruptly aborted in the middle of Seder with a call from Long Island Jewish Hospital, that, "a surgical bed was waiting." Thinking back on the medical 'drama du jours', each year especially in the last decade, the real question arose, "Could we work around cancer treatments, surgeries and two dozen hospitalizations and make it to Pesach and NOT tell Marcel's mother?" She only wanted to hear "good news."

Just as the Omer's 49 Counting days prepare me for entering Shavuot, my weeks of studying in depth about Pesach have prepared me for Seder, which was Mamash /truly good, since I had to lead my own solo Seder.

So much of my prior year while grieving was deeply journeying alone. Maybe I just needed my 'alone Seder' to have it less of a creative project--community event, race, as much as I appreciate being invited and participating in others'. Maybe this seder was just part of my life's 'tunnel passage' (not 'tunnel vision') and knowing that, I can do it, travel through it, and get to the other side. In addition to my teaching rebbes, I know I had spiritual help from 'the other side' in doing so smoothly, and I am grateful.

As soon as the second day ended, I called Thea, Marcel's 85 year old mother in Washington, DC, and thanked her for the beautiful colorful happy spring bouquet of mixed flowers (delicate orange ranunculas, aromatic, intoxicating fuscia stargazer lilies, cream and large red Gerber daisies, fluffy white stock, fiery alstromerias, stately purple dutch iris, big round white hydrangea, small purple corn flowers, breath-healing eucalyptus leaves, and more purple filler), which had arrived just before the first Seder. Marcel's mother has called me for Shabbat every week since Marcel died 17 Tevet, 14 1/2 months ago. (Why does she call?) These calls were a major surprise to me at first since I was sincerely looking forward to never having to speak with her again after Marcel died. She was my "mother-in-law." 

During my thank you call, I told Thea that in accepting a marriage to Marcel, I had first agreed to a formal Jewish life--a kosher home and Jewish day school for future children. I fulfilled my agreement. I told Thea about my Solo Seder the prior two nights and shared insights with her about G*d's hand and justice and the song Chad Gadya at Seder's finale. I shared with her a redeeming lesson I had just learned from my Jerusalem rebbe Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen, that Rebbe Nachman teaches that the Four Children are not separate individuals, but, "that we all have aspects of of the Four Children within ourselves, each four personalities at different times for different reasons." I had always tried unsuccessfully to figure out where I fit into that foursome. 

I shared with Thea how nervous I was decades earlier in the airport. I told Thea that being married to Marcel, I had a child, her dear grandchild, now dedicated to a Jewish married life, and that I have given seriously to Jewish community in many ways since my (Chabad) marriage in 1974. (I forgot I had been teaching art in three Jewish Centers in the SIXTIES before I ever knew Marcel. G*d was really trying to help me my way, get in the Jewish door.) For the FIRST time, I let Thea know that being married to HER son had enriched my life, so that for three decades I am a serious TORAH learning Jew, and share my Jewish wisdom (as little as I may know) and creativity and leadership in community. Thea listened, something I believe she did not usually do. She heard me. I cry even now feeling last night's monologue.  I had been able to transcend my own limitations (Gevurah /restraint holding back on Chesed /loving kindness) in giving thanks, gratitude for a marriage to a man brought up Orthodox, a Yeshivah Bocher, unlike my own secular Jewish background. His family clearly did not understand my Neshamah nor appreciate me; a "hippie artist", a creative, passionate, loving, giving, ethical woman with a secular childhood. (Who knew that my paternal grandparents z'l had been Orthodox [from Poland, Brooklyn, and Breed Street Shul, LA] and my maternal grandfather z'l, a practicing Kohen from Ukraine and Atlanta? And I believe that my beloved maternal grandma's family lived where Rebbe Nachman had lived. Her mom's challah was the delight of the Czar.)

The Pesach Solo Seder was for me the re-enactment of the 'tunnel' to freedom. I regard myself that I have personally gone out of Egypt. Empowering myself through my Solo Seders, I had the power to free myself from my constraint that inhibited and constricted my life as a daughter-in-law. (My Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi teaches that we hold the keys to our own prison.) I had verbal communication with my mother-in-law, and gave gratitude for her having birthed her son, my husband, z'l. I had experienced transcendence though the fifteen steps of the Seder - recreating the Exodus, journeying from slavery to freedom. I had gone from anticipatory vomiting to solo Seder joy. I had lived an exodus and I was emancipated. I had reached out to my mother-in-law in an additional way than I have already been lovingly doing for the last year since her oldest 59 year-old son died.  I felt redemption was at hand and I felt G*d's love and strength to be able to make a personal statement as a gift to Thea.

The moment I hung up the phone, my tears flowed heavily from a revealed well deep inside. Like water flowing downward from the Divine One, tears were the healing power of wisdom. Like matzoh --tears: the simplest unprepared act of involvement. As my Jerusalem rebbe explained to me earlier, my Tikun /fixing affects not only me, and my family, but G*d's greater universe as well. I remembered not only the "bitterness", but discovered the Zeisen /sweetness in Pesach.

 "Vehayinu Kulanu Sham" And we were all there.

 May we merit to appreciate meaning of our sufferings, comfort in community, and our redemptions in our lives. 

May you, and I be blessed with a sweet Pesach; One filled with miracles in holy vessels to receive and hold with Emunah /faith the downward Sefirotic flow from the Infinite, and with liberation from narrow places to be able to expansively open a door to Elijah in the middle of the night (Exodus 10:21) and transform choshekh /darkness, struggle, misery, destruction, bitterness, ignorance, sorrow, tears and mitzrayim, to freedom and joy.

  

* Going back to the Breslov Haggadah today during Chol HaMo'ed Pesach, I read in the Publisher's Preface, "This Haggadah project has proven more complex... How to coordinate the Hebrew and English translation with Commentary and Midrashic Story of the Exodus required careful planning." No wonder!  "...and to make this Haggadah a book to-come-back-to after the seder night," just as I am doing now.  And beshert, yesterday I received a phone call from a friend to meet in a couple of weeks, Rabbi Chaim Kramer, publisher (of my very own Haggadah),  and director of Breslov Research Institute.  I shall proudly show him the 1998 photo of my daughter visiting the grave of Rebbe Nachman in Uman, Ukraine, near my Grandmother's shtetl, Bratslav (Breilev) where the Breslovers began. Aviva, with her Hebrew University Hillel community, had brought Pesach, matzoh, song and dance to Ukrainian shtetls.

One love, shalom and abundant blesSings of health and joy to you, Joy Krauthammer Serve G*d With Joy

"Ivdu Et Hashem B'Simcha"

PS

I am glad that my son-in-law Brett, used at his Seder, my gift – the beautiful embroidered Pesach pillow case on which to "recline". I had purchased the hiddur mitzvahpillowcase / beautifying ritual object on my last trip to Jerusalem as a meaningful gift for Marcel, z'l, who did get to use it at Seder, before he was paralyzed, and then he died last year. I hope that next year, Aviva uses her father's blue velvet Szyk Haggadah. Aviva and Brett had seder with his loving Freedman family near Boston. I am paying for Aviva's new Pesach outfit, as my dad, Joseph, z'l used to do for his granddaughter. My dad died 26 Nissan 5759, freeing his soul during the season of transcendence. Aviva was happy to remind me of my family Passover tradition. Aviva Leba was named for my mother, an artist and writer, Libby, z'l who died ten months before I met Marcel in December 1969.

 ~ ~ ~

  

From my cyber-study HAZON Jerusalem Torah teacher, Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen:

In the words of our mystical tradition, the "Tikun” – rectification and healing – that our ancestors experienced during a particular encounter is also available to us during the festival which commemorates this particular encounter. As the noted sage and Kabbalist, Rabbi Moshe Chayim Luzzatto, explains in his comments on Passover:

"The Highest Wisdom decreed that any Tikun that was attained and any great light that shone at a certain time - when that time comes around again, a semblance of that light will shine on us again; moreover, the result of that Tikun will be renewed within the one who accepts it." (Derech Hashem, Part 4, Chapter 7, Periodic Observances)

During the Exodus from Egypt, our ancestors attained their Tikun through experiencing the Divine love, and every celebration of Passover brings each of us a new opportunity to achieve this Tikun. May we therefore experience a loving and liberating Passover!

~ ~ ~

March 2019 review

Upon reading this Solo Seders from 12 years ago to share with my current AJR class on Passover, it is sad for me to convey that many friends and family included in this essay have passed on.  In addition to my husband, and Reb Shlomo, also my beloved Jerusalem Rebbe Yosef, My Reb Zalman, my Reb Zeller, and my mother-in-law only last month, all z"l. 

May we all be able to recognize the blesSings that are concealed in the trials, and to turn the plagues into blesSings.

I find it hard to accept, as my current AJR class teacher Reb Ronnie says – that Hashem makes these challenges for us to be able to face them and transcend or for others to 'see' that a higher true G*d exists. - 'That the Holy One enslaved Jews in Egypt in order for Hashem to take out us out to freedom'.

- Joy Krauthammer